Every lawyer needs a dog, preferably a big dog. People don’t realize that being a lawyer is a high hazard profession. Prosecutors and criminal defense counsel deal with the most violent people who may not take kindly to the prosecutor who puts them away or the defense counsel who screwed up their defense. Parties to a divorce or other “civil” proceedings often go off the deep end and try to take it out on one of the attorneys.
A dog makes a perfect bodyguard. With a little bit of training a dog can learn all the skills necessary to defend its master. It has been said, “A dog takes on its master’s personality,” and no training may be necessary for some lawyers’ dogs.
There are other advantages. You don’t have to go out of the country to find a dog or get a dog a green card because there are lots of dogs available locally. Dogs don’t mind long hours and are willing to work 24/7 without a paycheck. The best part is you don’t have to pay Fed, FICA, Social Security, and Medicare, or fund a retirement plan. You do have to provide housing, food, water and medical care. With a little attention, a dog will faithfully follow a lawyer from room to room and place to place.
Lawyers love to talk, talk and hear themselves talk. Lawyers even talk to themselves when they run out of someone to talk to. Dogs are great listeners. Dogs may nod off now and then, but lawyers are used to that. A dog doesn’t mind hearing the same story over and over again and doesn’t argue, interrupt or talk back.
One possible drawback of owning a dog is having to clean up after it. Today, a dog owner is expected to pick up after their dog in public places. This has given rise to a new occupation, “the pet police” whose job it is to report those who offend. Those pet police will have to be ever vigilant with the lawyer dog owner (LDO’s).
By instinct, lawyer dog owner’s (LDO’s) will be quick to defend their dogs and themselves. Sly LDO’s will pretend the mess doesn’t exist. Slick LDO’s will deny that their dog did it. Shifty LDO’s will claim that some other dog did it. Sneaky LDO’s will just kick it under a bench or into the shrubbery and walk away. Shrewd LDO’s will raise the question, “It depends on what dog waste is, because my dog only spreads biodegradable fertilizer in measured amounts.”
Cleaning up after the dog in one’s own yard is a different matter. That can be a messy, smelly, humanizing if not a humiliating experience. For some lawyers humility is an evasive quality, and the more humbling experiences the lawyer gets, the better the learning curve.
A dog can help a lawyer establish a professional identity. One lawyer nicknamed himself “bulldog” and prides himself on grabbing debtors and insurance companies in a fearsome grip and shaking money out of them. Another lawyer gave himself the moniker “big dog” and has the slogan, “You can’t run with the big dog if you pee like a puppy.” A law firm called one of their lawyers “mad dog” and they tied his nickname prominently on their letter and masthead to encourage new business and to discourage frivolous lawsuits against their clients.
Lawyers often have trouble making and keeping friends. Lawyers give the impression they have many friends because they are invited to lunch at the best restaurants and extravagant parties. It is only an illusion. Lawyers get invited so that they can put the charges on their clients’ expense account and lawyers can be a source of free advice, especially after a cocktail or two. But for a lawyer, real and sincere friends are hard to find and keep.
That’s where a dog comes in. A dog is unable to compare living situation and doesn’t realize that Buster, down the street, has a nicer and kinder master. A dog doesn’t realize that his master is cheap and that Buster eats canned food while he eats the cheap stuff from a bag. A dog doesn’t complain that you forgot his birthday or didn’t buy him an expensive Christmas present. The dog doesn’t know that there are holidays or that there is such a thing as Hallmark cards or stores. A dog doesn’t know whether a lawyer is good or not, won or lost or how much he charges. Just a little scratch behind the ear and the dog crawls up and almost seems to smile. A dog is a lawyer’s best friend, indeed a dog might be a lawyer’s only friend.
Vance E. Halvorson
© 2016
Dog 9-21-2016 – VEH2013 – STIC